I Know This By Heart

So I accidentally forgot to blog since Blogspot turned into Blogger.  But I'm back and it looks like I'm starting from ground zero, unless you want to search for distancelane.blogspot.com, which used to be where I ranted.

At Laney College the pool is located in almost the exact center of campus.  People often walk by, mostly on the walkways above, and stop to ask me questions.  I know my teacher colleagues work in really cool smart classrooms where everyone is seated at desks, but the pool actually is my classroom -- so bothering me is kinda annoying.  And seeing how it's the last week of school here and I've heard absolutely everything (for the 63rd consecutive term), I thought I'd take the time to rant about the Top 10 things people say to me that are most irritating:

• Is the pool heated?    

It's tiled, striped, divided by lanelines, not shaped like a kidney, and has starting blocks and a working lifeguard -- just like the ones you've seen on TV in the Olympics.  Do you see alligators swimming?  Are people fishing?  Is this a motel on I-395?  OF COURSE it's heated.  It's supposed to be 80 degrees, and often it is.  

• Are these guys going to the Olympics?

Considering that there are about 50 people out of 300 million selected by America every four years, the odds that you would see an Olympian at Laney College -- especially ones that look like us -- are pretty slim.  But I'll take it as a compliment.

• I've always loved the water.

Super interesting.  Tell me about how you loved to go to the beach when you were a kid, or that you lived by a lake, or maybe that a river runs through your childhood.  This has absolutely nothing at all to do with if you know how to do freestyle -- much less butterfly.  I've always loved George Clooney,  but that doesn't mean I can hang out with him and Amal at the Royal Wedding.  Just because it's a hot day, you love the water,  and there's a pool nearby doesn't mean you have any idea of what is going on here.

• I don't like wearing goggles.

Then you don't know how to swim!  Wearing goggles is part of swimming.  A super important part.  It shows me that you can put your face in the water, that you are willing and able to open your eyes to avoid collisions, and that you know how to side-breathe.

• I can swim fine, I just can't breathe.

Then you don't know how to swim!  Breathing is part of swimming.  A super important part.  Like, crucial.  Moving from one end of the pool to the other is not necessarily swimming.  Sometimes it's just random movements that accidentally propel you.

• How deep is the pool?

If you have to ask, you don't know how to swim.

• When you say four laps, do you mean up and back?

If you have to ask, you don't know how to swim.  A lap is a length for all educated people.  Weird folks in the Midwest don't think so,  but everyone else does.  Sixty-six laps is a mile*, that's why the counters go that high.  

* not exactly, but if you're a swimmer you'll agree with me 

• I'm a good swimmer, I swim a mile once a week.

Well, no you're not.  You probably have terrible habits and are swimming so slow that you can keep the same pace for the entire mile.  Katie Ledecky can do that while going fast, but you're not Katie Ledecky.  You're basically swimming like people walk around Lake Merritt, or like a hose drips with a bad washer.  You may be burning fat, but you're not increasing your aerobic capacity, endurance, or building muscle.  You  might also do your mile by stopping every lap to chat, whine, or read a magazine.  That's also not doing a mile, it's just you and a mile coexisting.

• I'm training for a triathlon and swimming is my weakest part.

DUH!!!  So I'm not your "Tri Coach" but I have been doing this for my entire adult life and I know what a good stroke is, for you specifically.  To be a better swimmer you need to be able to learn to descend a set, to kick, to do IMs/any other set I give, and to swim the mile/1500M in a swim meet at least three times (because the first two will be terrible).  You need to do this at least three times/week regardless of if it's your "run day" or "bike day."  And stop looking at your watch!

• I just like zoning out when I swim.  I don't like racing.

I think you've come to the wrong place.